“When we come into peace, our body begins to heal of many things—our relationships get better and we grow closer to God.”
— Neil Elmer, Author & Workshop Facilitator
Regeneration Workshop
8 Sessions to be presented weekly
beginning Wednesday, April 13, 2011, 7:00 PM - 8:30 PM
Long Lake Friends Church
4172 Church Road
Traverse City, Michigan
For more information, call 231-360-0097
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Anger management is a teaching tool used by many of today’s secular counselors and psychotherapists to control physical abuse and prevent violence. On the surface it sounds like a good thing, but does it meet all health objectives? Recent medical science research has connected anger to cancer, heart disease, strokes, depression, and other health issues. Managing anger may not be enough to save relationships, achieve sufficient health, and gain peace of mind.
Teaching people to manage anger is conceding that the anger is still present and that it won’t go away. I’ve worked for several years with the prison population. They generally acknowledge that the anger management classes they’ve been through didn’t help them to solve their issues with anger. And it didn’t free them from the pain and misery associated with anger.
Anger management amounts to repressing emotions which accumulate and build up in a person’s life. Anger management is like taking a pill to suppress the pain without attempting to discover and treat the cause.
A lot of anger starts in childhood through abuse, rejection, abandonment, and traumatic experiences. There are many issues which can contribute to the development of anger. The issues may be real or based on inaccurate perceptions of events starting at the beginning of a person’s life. Early childhood anger is a precursor to rebellion, which results in even greater anger because of tension against parents, teachers, and society in general.
In my jail ministry experience, I have never found anyone that is, or has been, incarcerated not having had a major anger issue. Once a prisoner told me he did not have an anger problem. I asked him why he was in jail. He said it was from domestic assault. I asked him, “And you weren’t angry when you did this?” He said, and I recall this verbatim, “No, I was just pissed off.” I asked what the difference was between being pissed off and being angry. The whole group of prisoners in the meeting roared with laughter. The following week, the same prisoner said that he had been thinking about this and he said that he discovered he had a major anger issue. The point of this is that many people don’t realistically see their own anger and that the problem is more prevalent than people would think or admit.
When people are willing to deal with their anger, I have never seen the act of forgiveness fail is alleviating the accumulated anger. Forgiveness puts to death the root of the problem and accomplishes what anger management cannot.
Forgiveness is not easy and it may take time because we may not have just one issue—we may have 100 issues. It is a process to identify the issues of anger and to forgive. To get free of the bondage of anger and find peace, a person must contend with all the experiences that have led to anger and forgive the offender(s) for each offense. Some people have to be reminded to forgive their selves for failures and mistakes.
Forgiveness must be totally unconditional, not expecting anything in return such as an apology, justice, or restored relationship. Forgiveness does not require meeting with the offender, and in fact, it is best not to meet until you are in full peace.
We can get free and healed from our anger. When anger isn’t present, what’s there to manage?
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For more information on forgiveness, see the author's blog: Forgiveness, The Antidote for Anger and Pain
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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.
PreScriptures for Life
$15.95 Harvest Day Books
By Neil Elmer
What motivates a person to construct and place a car bomb in New York City Times Square in order to injure and kill many people? Extreme hate has to be the emotion that stimulates a person’s passions to do such a hideous act.
Anger is a natural human emotion that can intensify into more potent forms such as resentment, hate, violence, and murder. Anger is a belief about something. Our lives don’t start with beliefs; beliefs are learned.
Most anger is learned from experiences. Children who are abused or neglected learn anger, which leads to rebellion as they grow older. From a state of rebellion, anger can escalate to much anti-social and self-destructive behavior.
Many terrorists on record came from privileged backgrounds. Is their anger learned from neglect or by other means? In the case of religious terrorists, cultural and generational training are the more likely factors. Parts of the Muslim religion, for example, are very legalistic (harsh rules) with strict expectation of adherence and severe consequences for disobedience. This can be a breeding ground for anger--especially when taken to the extreme.
So why isn’t there mass rebellion against or exodus from that sort of religion? There are two reasons. First, fear is used to manipulate and control. The threat of death cannot be ignored. Second, the teaching which starts at an early age deflects the anger away from the family and the religion--the "infidels" are made out to be the problem. So, their anger is justified and pain is the price of being faithful to the religion.
However, anger and pain are not unique to the lives of religious extremists. Unresolved anger within any segment of humanity can simmer and burn within hearts and minds. Often, anger, no matter how mild, leads to destructive behaviors to self, relationships, or society--even in America. Certainly, the stresses surrounding anger are detrimental to physical and emotional health. My article Forgiveness: The Antidote for Anger and Pain deals with the problem of anger and pain facing so many of us. Though anger may not lead most of society to make a car bomb or destroy the World Trade Center, we are all deeply affected. True peace can only be found in the Lord Jesus Christ.
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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.
PreScriptures for Life
$15.95 Harvest Day Books
Envy, Jealousy, and Covetousness
By Neil Elmer, author of PreScriptures for Life
As you may noticed from recent posts, I have been sharing information and ideas to help people gain freedom and peace in life. There are many things within ourselves that limit achievement and happiness. We are not helped much by our culture and society.
This week we’re going to expose the negative aspects of a few strong emotions—envy, jealousy, and covetousness—and reveal how to be set free of the consequences of these destructive beliefs.
Definitions of envy and jealousy from Wikipedia
Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.
Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust.
Merriam-Webster online dictionary meaning of covetousness:
1: marked by inordinate desire for wealth or possessions or for another's possessions
2: having a craving for possession <covetous of power>
As we can see, the meanings of the three words are very similar. Dealing with these three emotions can be handled in the same manner. The common thread is the desire for something that does not belong to one’s self.
This desire leads to such destructive consequences that God set out to protect His people by informing them of how harmful it is. In leading us away from certain problems He incorporated sound guidance in the tenth commandment of the Old Testament.
Deuteronomy 5:21 (NIV) You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor's house or land, his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
Scriptures say that covetousness is idolatry.
Colossians 3:5 (NIV) Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
Scriptures say that covetousness is a form of lust.
James 4:1-3 (NIV) What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
Mark 7:21-23 (NIV) For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22 greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23 All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.
Envy, jealousy, and covetousness lead to social unrest and trouble. Examples include: robbery, stealing, violence, murder, rioting, bribery, perjury, extortion, intimidation, and war. Squabbling and discontent due to jealousy tears apart a family. This especially comes to the surface at times when inheritances are being distributed. Envy for power and authority or personal recognition and approval can be divisive, causing disunity, and the splitting of business associations and even church congregations. It is easy to see why God hates covetousness.
Covetousness opens the door for lust to gain strength in our lives. Lust gives Satan tremendous power to tempt us at our points of weakness. When and if we give into the temptation, it becomes a negative, downward spiral as we continue to reap negative rewards which rob us of God’s best. To make matters worse, Satan further condemns us for taking his suggestion.
Let’s further expose the work of the enemy here! What began as envy grew into lust and then proceeded to shame and guilt after acting on the original emotion. It’s a serious matter to understand how one weakness can lead to such devastation.
Desires of other’s possessions lead to expectations. When we fail to get these expectations, anger sets in. The anger can be directed at those who have what we want, at God, or at our self for our own failures and shortcomings.
Desires, when acted on in ways that wrong people, can open the door for guilt to set in. When we feel we are at risk of not getting or losing the things we strongly desire, our fears and anxieties grow. It should be noted that a simple emotion doesn’t operate independently but often affects other emotions.
Comparison and competition open the door for desiring what someone else has. For example, in childhood, the skills and gifts of siblings are often compared. The more this comparison was heard, the more it hurt. Then the desire to have what the other had becomes important in order to get free of the pain.
Getting Free of Envy, Jealousy and Covetousness
Using the Prayer to Get Free as posted in a previous blog, confess the specific instances of desiring other people’s possessions, skills, or gifts in Part One of the prayer. In Part Four of the prayer, ask Jesus to remove the envy, jealousy or covetousness.
If parents or others have hurt you by comparing you to others, forgive them in Part One of the prayer. In Part Four, ask Jesus to remove the bitterness and anger. If you have been responsible for the comparison, then forgive yourself. This can be accomplished in Part One of the prayer. In Part Four, ask for any self-bitterness or anger to be removed.
If you grew up in a family that was always concerned about what other people have, then there is probably a generational root of covetousness. Break this generational curse by renouncing the generational curse off past, present, and future generations. In Part Four of the Prayer to Get Free, ask that the curse be removed.
There may be words and vows that need to be renounced whether said or agreed to within yourself. Examples might be “I never will be happy unless I have…” or “if I am like them, people will like me.” Seemingly innocent words can set-up a person for major struggles and pain. Renounce the words and vows in Part One and ask that these be removed in Part Four.
In Part Five of the Prayer to Get Free, truth can be replaced for the lies that have been controlling our life.
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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.
PreScriptures for Life
$15.95 Harvest Day Books
Forgiveness, the Antidote for Anger and Pain
by Neil Elmer
When we have been hurt, abused, neglected, unjustly treated, or when someone has come against our will, we will be angry about the situation. Anger accumulates in us through our lifetime; it’s stored in our memories. When current events trigger these memories the emotion is expressed. Those who have hot tempers are people with a lot of stored up anger. See my article, The Destructive Nature of Anger for more information about anger.
Forgiveness is the only way to get free of anger. Many people are unsuccessful with forgiveness because they do not know the essential elements to forgiveness.
The essentials of forgiveness:
Forgiveness Is Letting Go
Forgiveness is letting go of the perpetrator that hurt or offended us by not holding them responsible for our pain anymore.
Forgiveness Must Be Unconditional
Forgiveness that brings peace and healing must be unconditional. That means there can be no expectation of receiving anything in return for forgiving. In other words, forgiveness that brings peace and healing must have no expectation of an apology, restitution, restoration of the relationship, need to feel or understand the pain, or any other condition no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
Forgiveness Must Be Specific
We must forgive the person for each specific action because these incidences are stored in our memories. Our memories are where the anger resides. If the specific action was reoccurring, we need only to forgive once for that action. If there were varying types of actions against us, then we must forgive the person for each event. A “blanket forgiveness” will not bring peace and healing.
The Gospel of Matthew confirms this by quoting Jesus as stating: “But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:15)
When Jesus says “forgive men their sins,” he is stating that we need to forgive each sin, each event. This is absolutely crucial to receiving our own freedom!
Forgiveness Recognizes Our Limited View
Our perception of events may not be based on actual facts. It’s easy to draw false or inaccurate conclusions. This is especially true of childhood events. Therefore, we may need to forgive someone who is not actually guilty of the action in order for us to get free of the pain.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Require Meeting Our Offender
Facing our offender is not a requirement of forgiveness. In fact, meeting with our offender can be a detriment to forgiveness. Meeting with our offender usually has a hidden condition behind it that inhibits forgiveness. When conditions aren’t met, we are back in a mode of unforgiveness. Often it is best not to even tell our offender what w have done to forgive.
Forgiveness and Restoration
If you seek to restore the relationship or are wish to confront the person to stop future offenses, do this only after you are completely in peace (state of forgiveness). When you are in peace, you are less likely to cause your offender to be defensive and will usually get better results.
Peace is the Evidence of Forgiveness
Peace follows forgiveness. If you are not in complete peace while thinking about or being around your offender, then you are not done forgiving that person. It could be that you have set conditions or you still have more events to for which to forgive that person. Partial peace is an indication that you have successfully forgiven some and that you have further to go.
Forgiveness Continues
If your offender continues to hurt you after you have completely forgiven them, you may have to forgive again. The incredible miracle is that once you have forgiven many of your offenders, you will likely gain healing and be protected of future hurts. Ministry experience bears this out. Like being coated with Teflon, offenses seem to slide off with no negative effect.
Forgiveness is Obedience
God commands us to forgive because in his great love for us he wants the best for our lives. Unforgiveness is a sin. It is a barrier in all relationships including our relationship with God. Forgiveness and obedience to God always opens the door to many blessings.
Who Do We Forgive?
Certainly, we must forgive our offenders. People will often need to forgive a variety of incidences stemming from parents, a spouse, children, other relatives, teachers, bosses, co-workers, friends, government, courts, police, schools, businesses, rude drivers, and more.
Forgiving Ourselves
People tend to hold great bitterness and anger towards themselves for the dumb things they have done and for their limitations. Unmet expectations of how our life should be, is a significant source of anger and bitterness directed towards ourselves.
Forgiving God
Contrary to Scripture, many people believe that God causes bad things to happen. God gives people free will. But people rebel against God and choose to do bad things. Many people also blame God for not stopping bad things or for not protecting good people from bad things caused by others. Without going into a deep theological discussion on this subject, it is important to understand that God is not responsible for evil things. It is of utmost importance that we not blame God or hold unforgiveness toward God for what has happened in our lives and in our world.
We must recognize that we have blamed God in error.
A Powerful Prayer of Forgiveness
In obedience to God, I choose to forgive _____ for this sin/offense of ______ done against me. Lord, don’t charge ________ with this sin or offense.
In the name of Jesus and by the power of His Blood, I cancel Satan’s power and authority over me in this issue of __________.
Heal and soften my heart, Lord.
Renew my mind by freeing me from _____________ (Anger, frustration, resentment, rage, or other forms of anger)
Bring me Your truth about this situation, Lord. (Ask God to bring truth to the memory. You normally will feel peace. When thoughts come, you will have a different point of view to this event.
In addition to receiving forgiveness, this prayer renews our mind by changing what we believe about the events in our past (memories). We react and respond to events based on what we believe. When we have emotions attached to our beliefs, we will revisit the emotions of the past when our brain scans these memories for help in responding in the present situation. Now we will respond differently because of the renewing of our mind has transformed us (Romans 12:2).
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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin.
PreScriptures for Life
$15.95 Harvest Day Books
