PreScriptures for Life

The Anger Management Myth

Anger management is a teaching tool used by many of today’s secular counselors and psychotherapists to control physical abuse and prevent violence. On the surface it sounds like a good thing, but does it meet all health objectives? Recent medical science research has connected anger to cancer, heart disease, strokes, depression, and other health issues. Managing anger may not be enough to save relationships, achieve sufficient health, and gain peace of mind.

 

Teaching people to manage anger is conceding that the anger is still present and that it won’t go away. I’ve worked for several years with the prison population. They generally acknowledge that the anger management classes they’ve been through didn’t help them to solve their issues with anger. And it didn’t free them from the pain and misery associated with anger.

 

Anger management amounts to repressing emotions which accumulate and build up in a person’s life. Anger management is like taking a pill to suppress the pain without attempting to discover and treat the cause.

 

A lot of anger starts in childhood through abuse, rejection, abandonment, and traumatic experiences. There are many issues which can contribute to the development of anger. The issues may be real or based on inaccurate perceptions of events starting at the beginning of a person’s life. Early childhood anger is a precursor to rebellion, which results in even greater anger because of tension against parents, teachers, and society in general.

 

In my jail ministry experience, I have never found anyone that is, or has been, incarcerated not having had a major anger issue. Once a prisoner told me he did not have an anger problem. I asked him why he was in jail. He said it was from domestic assault. I asked him, “And you weren’t angry when you did this?” He said, and I recall this verbatim, “No, I was just pissed off.” I asked what the difference was between being pissed off and being angry. The whole group of prisoners in the meeting roared with laughter. The following week, the same prisoner said that he had been thinking about this and he said that he discovered he had a major anger issue. The point of this is that many people don’t realistically see their own anger and that the problem is more prevalent than people would think or admit.

 

When people are willing to deal with their anger, I have never seen the act of forgiveness fail is alleviating the accumulated anger. Forgiveness puts to death the root of the problem and accomplishes what anger management cannot.

 

Forgiveness is not easy and it may take time because we may not have just one issue—we may have 100 issues. It is a process to identify the issues of anger and to forgive. To get free of the bondage of anger and find peace, a person must contend with all the experiences that have led to anger and forgive the offender(s) for each offense. Some people have to be reminded to forgive their selves for failures and mistakes.

 

Forgiveness must be totally unconditional, not expecting anything in return such as an apology, justice, or restored relationship. Forgiveness does not require meeting with the offender, and in fact, it is best not to meet until you are in full peace.

 

We can get free and healed from our anger. When anger isn’t present, what’s there to manage?

 

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For more information on forgiveness, see the author's blog: Forgiveness, The Antidote for Anger and Pain

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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.

 

 

PreScriptures for Life

$15.95 Harvest Day Books

A Pick-Me-Up From Rejection

A Pick-Me-Up From Rejection
by Neil Elmer

We all have experienced rejection. From not being accepted for a job opening to being the last one picked for a team on the playground, from being overlooked for a promotion, to your opinions not being heard, rejection is prevalent in everyday life.

 

Rejection defeats our longing for acceptance. It deflates our need for love and belonging. The fear of rejection can stop us cold—preventing us from being confident and from asserting ourselves into endeavors that could greatly benefit and advance us.

 

In ministry, I enjoy helping people overcome feelings of uselessness, loneliness, and forsakenness which can come from the trauma of rejection. Past hurts truly can affect the quality of our lives today. I’m finding that there are truly a lot of people out there who are hurting.

 

I knew a person who had many good things going for them: an advanced degree, success in business, attractive physique, and they were very articulate. Most would admire these outward characteristics, yet the story was much different on the inside. This person suffered from rejection issues which caused much anxiety, fear, and internal turmoil. These feelings immobilized this person and kept them in pain and discomfort. Prescription medications sometimes helped with the symptoms of anxiety but never dealt with the root causes.

Children are especially susceptible to the hurt of rejection. When a person is told that they are stupid, a failure, or a mistake of a human being, they are being rejected. In these cases, their worth as an individual is being severely attacked. Children, young people, and many adults lack the experience or maturity to know that what someone says about them doesn’t have to define and establish their worth or value in the sight of God, their Creator. 

All people have been rejected for some things in their life. An emotionally healthy person can go through set-backs without it becoming a traumatic experience in their life. People need to understand that they aren’t going to be winners at everything all the time yet that they DO have intrinsic value all of the time.    

You know? Words are very hurtful things—so are broken promises. Rejections lead to mindsets or paradigms that are life-guiding. Destructive mindsets act as negative strongholds. Because rejection hurts, people develop defense mechanisms to avoid the pain.

In the long-run, this is not a peaceful or joyful way to live life. Scripture tells us that we are so loved by God that the Heavenly Father sent His only begotten Son into the world for us. His sacrifice is because He loves us; He gave Himself for us. In other words—we have value!

In PreScriptures for Life, I wrote a chapter on loneliness and feeling forsaken. I wrote another chapter on your value. These chapters can help you; here are some key verses I share from the Bible that speak to your value and the fact that you truly are never alone. God (and others that maybe you have yet to meet) really do care about you:

John 14:18
“I will not leave you desolate (alone, forsaken): I come unto (to help) you.

Deuteronomy 31:6b
“…he (God) it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

Ephesians 2:10
“For we are his (God’s) workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works …”

Galatians 2:20b
“…the Son of God, who loved me, and game himself up for me.”

 

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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.

 

 

PreScriptures for Life

$15.95 Harvest Day Books

Envy, Jealousy, and Covetousness

Envy, Jealousy, and Covetousness

By Neil Elmer, author of PreScriptures for Life

 

As you may noticed from recent posts, I have been sharing information and ideas to help people gain freedom and peace in life. There are many things within ourselves that limit achievement and happiness. We are not helped much by our culture and society.

 

This week we’re going to expose the negative aspects of a few strong emotions—envy, jealousy, and covetousness—and reveal how to be set free of the consequences of these destructive beliefs.

 

Definitions of envy and jealousy from Wikipedia

 

Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.

 

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust.

 

Merriam-Webster online dictionary meaning of covetousness:

 

1: marked by inordinate desire for wealth or possessions or for another's possessions
2: having a craving for possession <covetous of power>

 

As we can see, the meanings of the three words are very similar. Dealing with these three emotions can be handled in the same manner. The common thread is the desire for something that does not belong to one’s self.

 

This desire leads to such destructive consequences that God set out to protect His people by informing them of how harmful it is. In leading us away from certain problems He incorporated sound guidance in the tenth commandment of the Old Testament.

 

Deuteronomy 5:21 (NIV) You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor's house or land, his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

 

Scriptures say that covetousness is idolatry.

Colossians 3:5 (NIV) Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

Scriptures say that covetousness is a form of lust.

James 4:1-3 (NIV) What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? ² You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. ³ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Mark 7:21-23 (NIV)  For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, ²² greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. ²³ All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.

Envy, jealousy, and covetousness lead to social unrest and trouble. Examples include: robbery, stealing, violence, murder, rioting, bribery, perjury, extortion, intimidation, and war. Squabbling and discontent due to jealousy tears apart a family. This especially comes to the surface at times when inheritances are being distributed. Envy for power and authority or personal recognition and approval can be divisive, causing disunity, and the splitting of business associations and even church congregations. It is easy to see why God hates covetousness.

 

Covetousness opens the door for lust to gain strength in our lives. Lust gives Satan tremendous power to tempt us at our points of weakness. When and if we give into the temptation, it becomes a negative, downward spiral as we continue to reap negative rewards which rob us of God’s best. To make matters worse, Satan further condemns us for taking his suggestion.

 

Let’s further expose the work of the enemy here! What began as envy grew into lust and then proceeded to shame and guilt after acting on the original emotion. It’s a serious matter to understand how one weakness can lead to such devastation.

 

Desires of other’s possessions lead to expectations. When we fail to get these expectations, anger sets in. The anger can be directed at those who have what we want, at God, or at our self for our own failures and shortcomings.

 

Desires, when acted on in ways that wrong people, can open the door for guilt to set in. When we feel we are at risk of not getting or losing the things we strongly desire, our fears and anxieties grow. It should be noted that a simple emotion doesn’t operate independently but often affects other emotions.

 

Comparison and competition open the door for desiring what someone else has. For example, in childhood, the skills and gifts of siblings are often compared. The more this comparison was heard, the more it hurt. Then the desire to have what the other had becomes important in order to get free of the pain.

 

Getting Free of Envy, Jealousy and Covetousness

 

Using the Prayer to Get Free as posted in a previous blog, confess the specific instances of desiring other people’s possessions, skills, or gifts in Part One of the prayer. In Part Four of the prayer, ask Jesus to remove the envy, jealousy or covetousness.

 

If parents or others have hurt you by comparing you to others, forgive them in Part One of the prayer. In Part Four, ask Jesus to remove the bitterness and anger. If you have been responsible for the comparison, then forgive yourself. This can be accomplished in Part One of the prayer. In Part Four, ask for any self-bitterness or anger to be removed.

 

If you grew up in a family that was always concerned about what other people have, then there is probably a generational root of covetousness. Break this generational curse by renouncing the generational curse off past, present, and future generations. In Part Four of the Prayer to Get Free, ask that the curse be removed.

 

There may be words and vows that need to be renounced whether said or agreed to within yourself. Examples might be “I never will be happy unless I have…” or “if I am like them, people will like me.” Seemingly innocent words can set-up a person for major struggles and pain. Renounce the words and vows in Part One and ask that these be removed in Part Four.

 

In Part Five of the Prayer to Get Free, truth can be replaced for the lies that have been controlling our life.

 

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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.

 

 

PreScriptures for Life

$15.95 Harvest Day Books

Forgiveness, the Antidote for Anger and Pain

 

Forgiveness, the Antidote for Anger and Pain

by Neil Elmer

When we have been hurt, abused, neglected, unjustly treated, or when someone has come against our will, we will be angry about the situation. Anger accumulates in us through our lifetime; it’s stored in our memories. When current events trigger these memories the emotion is expressed. Those who have hot tempers are people with a lot of stored up anger. See my article, The Destructive Nature of Anger for more information about anger.

This stored up anger creates stress in a person’s life. Stress affects physical and mental health and negatively affects relationships. Anger management teaches people how to control the emotions so that violent actions are avoided. However, the problem with anger management is the fact that the anger is still there—it hasn’t been resolved. And it’s there with all of the other unfavorable consequences.

Forgiveness is the only way to get free of anger. Many people are unsuccessful with forgiveness because they do not know the essential elements to forgiveness.

The essentials of forgiveness:

Forgiveness Is Letting Go

Forgiveness is letting go of the perpetrator that hurt or offended us by not holding them responsible for our pain anymore.

Forgiveness Must Be Unconditional

Forgiveness that brings peace and healing must be unconditional. That means there can be no expectation of receiving anything in return for forgiving. In other words, forgiveness that brings peace and healing must have no expectation of an apology, restitution, restoration of the relationship, need to feel or understand the pain, or any other condition no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

 

Forgiveness Must Be Specific

 

We must forgive the person for each specific action because these incidences are stored in our memories. Our memories are where the anger resides. If the specific action was reoccurring, we need only to forgive once for that action. If there were varying types of actions against us, then we must forgive the person for each event. A “blanket forgiveness” will not bring peace and healing.

 

The Gospel of Matthew confirms this by quoting Jesus as stating: “But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:15)

 

When Jesus says “forgive men their sins,” he is stating that we need to forgive each sin, each event. This is absolutely crucial to receiving our own freedom!

 

Forgiveness Recognizes Our Limited View

 

Our perception of events may not be based on actual facts. It’s easy to draw false or inaccurate conclusions. This is especially true of childhood events. Therefore, we may need to forgive someone who is not actually guilty of the action in order for us to get free of the pain.

 

Forgiveness Doesn’t Require Meeting Our Offender

 

Facing our offender is not a requirement of forgiveness. In fact, meeting with our offender can be a detriment to forgiveness. Meeting with our offender usually has a hidden condition behind it that inhibits forgiveness. When conditions aren’t met, we are back in a mode of unforgiveness. Often it is best not to even tell our offender what w have done to forgive.

 

Forgiveness and Restoration

 

If you seek to restore the relationship or are wish to confront the person to stop future offenses, do this only after you are completely in peace (state of forgiveness). When you are in peace, you are less likely to cause your offender to be defensive and will usually get better results.

 

Peace is the Evidence of Forgiveness

 

Peace follows forgiveness. If you are not in complete peace while thinking about or being around your offender, then you are not done forgiving that person. It could be that you have set conditions or you still have more events to for which to forgive that person. Partial peace is an indication that you have successfully forgiven some and that you have further to go.

 

Forgiveness Continues

 

If your offender continues to hurt you after you have completely forgiven them, you may have to forgive again. The incredible miracle is that once you have forgiven many of your offenders, you will likely gain healing and be protected of future hurts. Ministry experience bears this out. Like being coated with Teflon, offenses seem to slide off with no negative effect.

 

Forgiveness is Obedience

 

God commands us to forgive because in his great love for us he wants the best for our lives. Unforgiveness is a sin. It is a barrier in all relationships including our relationship with God. Forgiveness and obedience to God always opens the door to many blessings.

 

Who Do We Forgive?

 

Certainly, we must forgive our offenders. People will often need to forgive a variety of incidences stemming from parents, a spouse, children, other relatives, teachers, bosses, co-workers, friends, government, courts, police, schools, businesses, rude drivers, and more.

 

Forgiving Ourselves

 

People tend to hold great bitterness and anger towards themselves for the dumb things they have done and for their limitations. Unmet expectations of how our life should be, is a significant source of anger and bitterness directed towards ourselves.

 

Forgiving God

 

Contrary to Scripture, many people believe that God causes bad things to happen. God gives people free will. But people rebel against God and choose to do bad things. Many people also blame God for not stopping bad things or for not protecting good people from bad things caused by others. Without going into a deep theological discussion on this subject, it is important to understand that God is not responsible for evil things. It is of utmost importance that we not blame God or hold unforgiveness toward God for what has happened in our lives and in our world.

 

We must recognize that we have blamed God in error.

 

A Powerful Prayer of Forgiveness

 

In obedience to God, I choose to forgive _____ for this sin/offense of ______ done against me.  Lord, don’t charge ________ with this sin or offense.

 

In the name of Jesus and by the power of His Blood, I cancel Satan’s power and authority over me in this issue of __________.

 

Heal and soften my heart, Lord.

 

Renew my mind by freeing me from _____________ (Anger, frustration, resentment, rage, or other forms of anger)

 

Bring me Your truth about this situation, Lord.  (Ask God to bring truth to the memory. You normally will feel peace. When thoughts come, you will have a different point of view to this event.

 

In addition to receiving forgiveness, this prayer renews our mind by changing what we believe about the events in our past (memories). We react and respond to events based on what we believe. When we have emotions attached to our beliefs, we will revisit the emotions of the past when our brain scans these memories for help in responding in the present situation. Now we will respond differently because of the renewing of our mind has transformed us (Romans 12:2).

 

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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin.

 

 

PreScriptures for Life

$15.95 Harvest Day Books

The Destructive Nature of Anger

 

The Destructive Nature of Anger

by Neil Elmer, Healed Heart Ministry
www.HealedHeartMinistry.com

Anger destroys relationships and has significant consequences in a person’s mental, emotional, and physical health. Depending upon circumstances of the experience the emotion, anger, may manifest itself in varied intensity from simple frustration to full-blown rage. We use these words to describe anger at various levels of intensity: frustration, annoyance, bitterness, resentment, rage, retaliation, violence, murder, hate, temper tantrum, and more. Yet, even simple frustration over time can accumulate and lead to more intense emotion such as bitterness. A person with a temper (short fuse) is a person that has accumulated a lot of anger in their life. All have experienced anger, many times justifiably so. But if the anger persists, it will impact our life in a negative way.

Consequences of Anger

 

Angry children become rebellious:  Rebellious children are constantly at odds with parents, schools, and other authority figures. The conflicts with authority lead to outcomes that further infuriate the rebel which escalates the intensity of their anger and compounds life problems.

 

Angry people experience a lot of rejection and abandonment:  Anger may have started in childhood because of rejection and abandonment. Through life, the cycle continues as acquaintances and friends are repelled away by the anger and negativity. Broken friendships, wounded family relationships and loss of employment are consequences of anger.

 

Anger is linked to diseases:  Medical science research has linked anger to cancer, heart disease, strokes, and more. Anger is a major source of stress in people’s lives—stress is a major source of disease.

 

Anger is a source of mental health issues:  Anger is linked to depression. It is important to note that medical science has found that depression is often linked to heart disease.

 

Anger destroys a person’s sense of reality:  Some who have committed domestic battery have expressed that they blacked out from the anger and literally don’t remember committing the assault. Anger at any extreme can define who we are, and in some cases can lead to a life of delusion.

 

Anger leads to sin in God’s eyes:  It is God’s desire that our lives not have all of these consequences. While anger is a God-given emotion, we are not to commit sin in our anger and we are not to hold our anger into the next day.

 

Why People Become Angry People

 

When people hurt us, offend us, or stand in the way of our will and desires, we get angry. The experiences can represent real offences or we can perceive that we have been hurt. A child is not able to understand the broad view of events, so that this lack of perception opens up a child to more hurt than adults. But adults can be hurt also. These events are stored as memories. Many times these memories do not accurately represent the true nature of the event.

 

People readily accept the fact that our brains seek out and retrieve memories. For example, we know the answer is “4” when we see the math problem: “2 + 2.” Reciting a poem and recalling answers while in a spelling bee are similar examples. What we don’t readily perceive is that the brain retrieves many of life’s answers from memory. Regarding our emotions, we likewise don’t see our brain searching our memories for insight on how to respond when someone is rejecting us. Our past experiences guide us in the present even though, just like the math problem, we don’t perceive the process of recall. The emotion of anger and what we believe about rejection in the past events come forward to help us deal with the present situation. The potential problem is the belief and emotion of the past may not be helpful to us today.

 

Some childhood experiences that cause anger are as follows: physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; physical and emotional neglect; rejection, abandonment, traumatic experiences, and more.

 

The emotions of jealously and envy can develop anger when a person doesn’t get what they desire. Failures can also lead to anger developing and growing in a person. This anger might be directed outward or it could be internalized—blaming one’s self for the failures. Anger can also be learned through parents and previous generations. Usually, if a child grows up in an angry atmosphere, they will be angry also. See http://www.acestudy.org/ for more information on adverse childhood experiences.

 

Anger Management

 

Anger management is a program to help people cope with their anger. The intention primarily is to reduce aggressive actions such as domestic violence. Many people are required courts as a requirement of their sentence to take these classes. Anger management may reduce violence, but it doesn’t solve the underlying problem. Because the anger is still present in a person they will still suffer from the other consequences of anger. Violence may be a temporary emotional release for a person. When violence is managed, other negative forms of release may be sought out such as drugs or alcohol. The real solution is not anger “management” but is getting free of our anger.

 

Get Free of Your Anger

 

The bad news is anger accumulates as a person experiences the bumps of life. The good news is that the imbedded anger in a person’s life can be eliminated. Forgiveness is the antidote for anger. Two important elements of forgiveness are as follows:

 

First, forgiveness must be totally unconditional. This means that you cannot expect anything in return forgiveness whether it be an apology, justice, restoration, or anything else. The purpose of forgiveness is to get free of the anger. Any expectation of restoring the relationship will usually sabotage getting free of anger. Forgiveness which leads to freedom, cannot have strings attached. Ironically, after true forgiveness occurs, the possibility of restoration increases.

 

Second, forgiveness must be specific to the offense. This means that if an offender has done a whole list of things, we must specifically forgive the entire list of issues.

 

For more information on forgiveness see the article: “Forgiveness, the Antidote for Anger."

 

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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.

 

 

PreScriptures for Life

$15.95 Harvest Day Books

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-Aggressive Behavior
by Neil Elmer, Healed Heart Ministry
www.HealedHeartMinistry.com

 

Passive-aggressive behavior is very destructive. Like driving a wedge between people, it is an incubator for hurt and resentment. Over time, the hurt and resentment accumulate and gain strength.

Those in relationships with passive-aggressive people may have feelings of hurt, betrayal, confusion, and insecurity. The person acting with passive-aggressive behavior may feel rejected. This dysfunctional relationship may eventually destruct—ending in loss of employment, loss of friendship, estrangement or even divorce.

  

The passive-aggressive person resists agreement in covert ways. A passive-aggressive person may appear to agree with what is to happen and then he or she sabotages the situation by not following through (inaction) or by undermining it (action). In other words, a person doesn’t agree, but fails to state their objection to the situation. This is a defense mechanism for avoiding emotional pain. A passive-aggressive person does not like confrontation. Some may not even be conscious of what they are doing.

 

From a biblical stand point, passive-aggressive behavior would be considered a stronghold (mindset). People in relationships become frustrated with the behavior of passive-aggressive people. This frustration is a mild form of anger. Over time, frustration becomes stronger and can grow to outward displays of full-blown anger, resentment, or rage resulting in severe dysfunction and the likely break-up of the relationship.

 

Romans 7:15-20
¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.
¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
¹⁸ I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
¹⁹ For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.
²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 

Apostle Paul is stating that our sin nature (flesh) is greatly influencing us to sin. To be set free from our own passive-aggressive behavior, we need to figure out why we do this. It should be known that passive-aggressive behavior is a symptom of something deeper. So many times Christians pray for the symptoms rather than the root causes. Subsequently, they don’t receive healing.

 

There are many aspects of passive-aggressive behavior:

 

Fear

While each person’s story varies, fear is the dominant emotion/belief behind passive-aggressive behavior. Fear can control peoples’ lives in unhealthy ways. We normally think of fear as just an emotion, but it is rooted in beliefs about situations and people. Our experiences of the past are the basis for our present beliefs. Because we live by what we believe—mostly subconsciously—understanding our beliefs will help us get free of the stronghold of fear.

 

Fear can cause a person to fail to be truthful about their desires in a given situation. They are afraid to speak out about what they believe and feel. There are all types of fears that could play a part in this; here are some possibilities:

 

Fear of abandonment will be reinforced when abandonment happens multiple times during a lifetime. Childhood abandonment is serious. Contributing factors of this fear are loss of one or more parents or other significant people. Even death of a parent can develop fears of abandonment because a child has limited understanding of the true nature of the event.

 

Fear of abandonment also can be reinforced during the adult years such as through a loss of friends, spouse, or job. Some develop a fear of abandonment because of a false belief that God has forsaken them.

To break free of this fear, we must confess the fear in each of the known abandonments that has occurred during our lifetime. Anger, which likely has become part of the issue, may be directed at the person who abandoned you—you must forgive them—even those who abandoned you by their death. These emotions in the memories can be complex. Beliefs/emotions of shame, guilt, unworthiness, and others may be part of our experiences with abandonment and will need to be dealt with also.

 

Fear of rejection develops because rejection is so painful. Verbal abuse is rejecting a person as valid and worthwhile. Confess fear of rejection in all experiences of rejection and deal with all related emotions until peace is achieved regarding a particular memory.   

 

Fear of conflict develops when a person grows up where conflict resulted in emotional and/or physical pain. Avoiding conflict becomes a life controlling burden. Confess fear of conflict in all experiences of conflict and deal with the other related emotions.

 

Fear of violence doesn’t necessarily mean that violence is necessarily in the present, but the fear will be a controlling factor. Handle this in the same manner as the other fears listed above.

 

Fear of criticism.  Handle the same as other fears.

 

Fear if confrontation. Handle the same as other fears.

 

Other fears. Deal with all other fears whether or not you know they are causing passive-aggressive behavior.

 

Anger

Like fear, anger is major contributor to negative life-controlling issues. A person with a lot of imbedded anger from childhood may develop a negative attitude towards people that have authority over them or towards people in their life that are attempting to exert control over them.  Usually outward rebellion is the response, but when fear is present, a more passive response can occur. With rebellion, there is an attitude of getting even which may not always be a conscious action. Retaliation, coupled with fear, can influence a person in passive-aggressive behavior. Back-stabbing is evidence of this kind of behavior.

 

Hopelessness

Hopelessness is the belief and corresponding emotion that nothing will change for the better. It has been found that this feeling is tied to depression. If anger lingers in our heart toward people in our life, we probably believe our relationship with these people can’t change. This feeling can also be directed at inanimate entities such as institutions and organizations. Though institutions and people may not change, we can change what we believe about them. The only way that we can change what we believe about people and institutions is to forgive. Forgiveness goes a long way toward changing how we are affected by others; it helps us get free of depression. 

Powerlessness

Powerlessness is the feeling that we have no control over some or all aspects of our life. God will free us of powerlessness by renewing our mind. People who suffer from powerlessness will have a difficult time turning the control of their life over to Jesus. Powerlessness is a belief/emotion resulting from traumatic experiences in our life. Powerlessness is a lack of trust. Lack of trust is fear. So, powerlessness is tied to fear. We need to know, experience, and trust that we have plenty of power with Jesus in our life.

 

Low Self-Value

Low self-value (unworthiness) can contribute to passive-aggressive behavior. A person with this type of belief is less likely to express their opinion, take a stand, confront or stand their ground. 

 

Unworthiness tends to be a secondary belief/emotion out of experiences where anger and fear first occurred. Examples might be abandonment and rejection. The belief that develops is that these events occurred because “there is something wrong with me.” We are not aware when these beliefs are developing.

 

When people tell us that “we will not amount to anything,” “we are a failure,” and other hurtful words, we receive these words and they become a vow—a statement of belief. These negative declarations are forms of rejection for they reject the value (worth) of us as a person. We need to renounce all negative words spoken over us and forgive those who spoke them whether spoken by our own self-talk or by others.

God tells us we are worthy. For example:

Ephesians 2:10 …we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.  

When we feel unworthy or live as if we are unworthy, in addition to dealing with the rejection, we need to confess our unbelief in God’s word which states that we are worthy and of significant value. We also need to deal with all our anger issues since many of them have contributed to our belief of unworthiness. 

Mind Renewal

Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

What the Apostle Paul is saying is that for us to change, our mind must be renewed. What has happened is that we have developed beliefs and emotions that do not conform to God’s truth—Satan loves to tempt and deceive us. Lie-based thinking causes us not to live a victorious (transformed) Christian life.

God’s truth needs to replace these lies of the past for us to get free. We can’t do it ourselves. Jesus is able to do this. More truth (alone) doesn’t free us until the exchange of beliefs occurs. We have to be willing to allow Jesus to do this—replace our false beliefs with His truth. 

Paul shows us what the transformation is. See:

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control…

It is our cooperation with the Spirit that renews our mind. In the very next verse Paul tells us how to receive the fruit of the Spirit.

Galatians 5:24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

To nail one of these lies to the cross would be to confess it, which means to agree or acknowledge its existence, and then ask to be cleansed of it. It is the Holy Spirit that does the rest by killing it and replacing it with God’s truth.

Reading the Bible can renew our mind, but as I point our in my book Prescriptures for Life, renewal will be enhanced by requesting God to search our life and asking God to replace any belief that goes against the Scripture.

The passive-aggressive nature will be changed by replacing the fears and other lie-based thinking with God’s truth. A life of destruction can be rebuilt and relationships can be healed. Understanding the elements of passive-aggressive behavior is the first step on the path to freedom and healthy relationships.

 

 

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Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. His ministry helps people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin.

 

 

PreScriptures for Life

$15.95 Harvest Day Books

Being Set Free From Willful and Un-Willful Offenses

By Neil Elmer
Healed Heart Ministry
www.HealedHeartMinistry.com

Offenses are transgressions or sins upon a person or group of people that lead to feelings of displeasure by receivers of the offense. The displeasure can range from frustration, to anger, to hate, to rage, and to murder. These feelings (and others), can be classified as anger in varying degrees. 

People won't completely agree on what constitutes an offense because of cultural differences. Law, cultural norms, and religious views all contribute to the belief of what is offensive and what is not. In other words, what might be offensive to some would not be offensive to others.

The easily offendable person is one that feels offended for circumstances that most people would observe as non-offenses. The easily offendable person is one that has been hurt significantly in the past and is being triggered in the present situation because of what happened in the past. The triggering process typically is not a conscious act, but an automatic response that brings forth emotion which is stored in memory of the past. There can be times, through discussions or other circumstances, when we both remember past memories and feel the uncomfortable emotion. 

It is also entirely possible that the emotion triggered from past memories can be imagined offenses. This is especially possible in early childhood because a child doesn't have the experience and knowledge to understand events as they really occurred. On the other hand, events can be horrible, real experiences for the child.

How does one react to the unpleasant emotion? Do we respond by offending back? It is clear that the biblical response in Ephesians 4:26 instructs us not to offend back. A second option is to repress or bury the memory so we don’t recall the event. The consequences of repressing can lead to serious physical and mental health issues, relationship difficulties, prison and jail incarceration, addictions, and more. In fact, offending back to your offender can lead to the similar consequences. Anger, whether repressed or not, is destructive. 

Ephesians 4:26-27
26 And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil.

Read what Paul say's about his struggles.

Romans 7:15-25
15 I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16 I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. 18 I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19 When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20 But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.
21 It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.
22 I love God's law with all my heart. 23 But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

Paul is talking about struggles with emotions and reactions to the emotions. He is saying that it is the sin inside of us that influences more sin. Other biblical translations use the term “sin nature” or “flesh” to describe this condition which greatly influences us to sin. 

In the case of being offended, what does the sin inside me really mean? It means the emotions and beliefs behind these emotions of past experiences stored in our memory have not been healed. The sin behind this is the unforgiveness for those events that have happened to us in the past. One might say, "I was only three years old when this was done to me, I didn't even know what forgiveness was then." It wasn’t the event which was sin to the victim, but at this point it is the sin of unforgiveness that keeps the victim in bondage. It doesn’t seem fair that someone can cause hurt us and for us to get free, we must forgive. There is nothing the perpetrator can do to free us. Acknowledging our forgiven to God is the only way to free us of the sin that keeps us in bondage and to transform our life.

The second part of Ephesians 4:26 reads "don't let the sun go down while you are still angry." The statement is clear, but how do you get rid of your anger? The answer is found in Matthew 6:12 "and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us."

Have we done this, have we forgiven everyone that has offended us, even those who have offended us when we were children? Most of us have not. It is these past offenses, real or perceived, that are the stored up energy of anger that Paul is talking about.

Fear, shame, guilt, as well as anger, can trigger us to be offensive to others. Likewise, those same emotions/beliefs can trigger us to be offended. So what can we do about this? The serenity prayer is this:

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  

 

The truth is that we can only change ourselves. The only option is to forgive those who have offended us. 

Forgiveness breaks the powerful emotional energy that causes us to feel hurt and to react in a way that hurts others and destroys relationships. As an offendable person, when we forgive the past hurts, we will get free of the negative emotional energy, and find that things that used to bother us will simply slide off with no emotion being triggered. If we are an offensive person, we will find that we will not be doing the offensive things that we have done in the past. Quite likely, most people that are quite offensive are also offendable. The playground bully more than likely has very thin skin. 

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Neil Elmer is founder of Healed Heart Ministry, a Christian ministry bringing healing, restoration, freedom, and peace to hurting hearts. Neil Elmer is author of the book PreScriptures for Life: A Believer's Guide to Praying Scripture. Its purpose is to help people achieve peace in life and be set free from the bondages of sin and oppression.

 

 

PreScriptures for Life

$15.95 Harvest Day Books

Responsible Fatherhood Awareness Month

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm pronounced February as Responsible Fatherhood Awareness Month. The following quote was taken from the governor’s proclamation on responsible fatherhood.

Whereas, Fathers who actively participate in the lives of their children reduce the risks of childhood poverty, child mental illness, juvenile delinquency, youth sexual activity, teen-age pregnancies, substance abuse, and failure to complete high school; and,

Whereas, Fathers who actively participate in the lives of their children enhance the chance for success in social skills, academic performance, adult careers and employment goals, and involved parenting skills for their future families; and,

 

The truth is: families need good fathers.

 

One statistic that’s very telling is that 70% of those incarcerated in prison did not have a father in the home when they were growing up. What this statistic does not tell us is that prison is not the only bad consequence young people face, and these consequences follow many for the rest of their life.

 

The ACE Study http://www.acestudy.org/conducted by the Center for Disease Control has found that adverse childhood experiences can cause a variety of problematic issues including chronic disease, poor mental health, and even premature death. Here is a listing of adverse childhood experiences they have compiled:

 

1.   Recurrent physical abuse

2.   Recurrent emotional abuse

3.   Contact sexual abuse

4.   An alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household

5.   An incarcerated household member

6.   Someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal

7.   Mother is treated violently

8.   One or no parents

9.   Emotional or physical neglect

 

The CDC has shown the lack of a parent in the home can have ramifications as strong as abuse and neglect.

 

I have been doing my own informal study on this issue. When I get the opportunity, I ask people who have experienced a fatherless situation, if they believe that children inherently know that children are to be raised by a mother and father. So far, all that I have asked believe that to be so. I put this on the same level as how ducks know to fly south in the winter—it’s not a cultural teaching—it’s instinctual. 

 

Fatherlessness continues on from one generation to the next with some able to escape from this pattern. But why don’t more? Certainly we learn how to be fathers from our fathers. And not knowing the skills of good fatherhood is a problem. If any man wanted to learn about fatherhood, he could find thousands of helpful sources. Yet I believe there is something far deeper involved than just a lack of training.

 

I believe that anger is the issue. There comes a time when a person comes to realize that they have been cheated of a fundamental need that ranks only slightly lower than food and shelter. Rejection and abandonment by one of the two most important people in a child’s life cut very deep in the heart. Reasons and alibis don’t make a lot of difference in a child’s understanding. Even abandonment for legitimate reasons can be devastating.   Have you ever heard the statements “they will grow out of it” or “kids are resilient?”  Such phraseology is foolish.

 

Anger is an emotion and a belief about people who have hurt us. Anger can also be a belief about ourselves. Children process events based on a child’s perception that has limited understanding of the world around them. They may start believing that they are flawed or bad because of the abandonment and rejection. Out of this, they start believing they are worthless and start hating themselves. Hate is a stronger form of anger which can escalate into rage, violence, and murder. These feelings and beliefs of anger are cumulative, which affects the level of anger that a person develops.  

 

Anger leads to rebellion, which is a way for a child to fight back. The problem is that the antisocial behavior of rebellion leads to more rejection which intensifies the anger in a child or adolescent. There is no easy way for an angered adult to get even with society, but a man can take it out on his children by rejecting them in the same way he felt rejection. Retaliation is not the answer, but it is what frequently happens. 

 

Anger management teaches people how to cope with and manage anger. It is beneficial for reducing violence, but not healing the heart. The real answer is to seek ways to remove the anger. There is only one way I’m aware of—forgiveness is the antidote to the poison of anger. Renewal of the mind clears us of negative beliefs and behaviors. These benefits are only available in the redeeming, transforming power of Jesus Christ.

 

Neil Elmer

www.healedheartministry.com

Neil’s book, PreScriptures for Life, is available through www.ReadingUp.com